She’s Happy

 

Life threw many rocks at her, she dealt with insecurities,lack of confidence, and so on…

But, solitude has never been an issue. She’s been called a loner,a selfish girl and narcissist but she was her best company. Sure she felt everything that came with being alone; sometimes she felt lonely, anxious, depressed, even unwanted…

She wouldn’t drown in loneliness, she decided to go on a journey of self-discovery, she saved herself. She burned all insecurities with that fire she has within her, a fire that no solitude, no anxiety, no human being could tame. In plain darkness, in the middle of nowhere, she used that flame to guide her through that spiraled path.

So it started. Her long, everlasting voyage of emotional and spiritual growth. She used her emotional pain and her scars as tools for her  expansion.

That voyage taught her so much, but the most important lesson was Self Love. She’s learning how to express her feelings,  she’s learning how to give and receive Love. She’s discovering the many joys Self Love. She never really understood such a powerful emotion. She kept thinking about how people around her experience Love and feelings… it was hard to get through… the jumping from a relationship to another, the staying and suffering in a relationship, how can you do this to yourself? Where’s the Self Love?

She also thought about the stupid questions people ask her. “Why are you single?” “Have you ever been in love?” Oh and the comments : “ You’re too pretty to be single” “ I know… you just can’t love…” Wow, some people really don’t know about rational thinking, but hey, can you blame them? They just couldn’t understand  her definition of Love.

She doesn’t think Love means attachment.No relationship comes with a forever guarantee. Love isn’t limited to feelings, Love is wider,deeper, it’s a strong  connection, that one can lose…

Love, just like Life is so simple but no one can explain such power.

When it came to feelings, even a simple act of affection was hard for her. Her feelings either took time to come or they didn’t show up at all… All because of trust issues.

Is she even able to Love?                                 Oh believe me, she is.

Her Love is simple, almost unnoticeable.

Life and Love emanate from her as soon as she walks in. She gives Love in the simplest, meaningless ways; In a smile, in her laugh, in a compliment,in a conversation, she shares Love in sharing a meal,or a cup of water. Her Love is present in a dance, in her writing, in her art.Her Love is fulfilling for those who pay attention.

 

Through her odyssey, she was building her empire on a foundation of Love.

And you came.

You showed up when she wasn’t expecting anyone at all… As always…

 

It was a busy day, she saw you in the corner of her eye while talking to a customer,  she thought you were handsome and managed to smile shyly when you looked at her. Some would take it as a simple greeting  but judging the way she felt, she knew she liked you.                                                         At first, she wouldn’t accept it but doubting and suppressing her feelings would keep her from moving forward in her journey. So she accepted it.                     Coming at work, she would smile just by seeing you but made sure you didn’t see her.                                                                        One day, you smiled and said hi and soon enough it became a habit a few times, it was unbelievable but the biggest surprise was when you left your work position, walked up to her and greeted her with a bright smile. Wow.                                        She had hope.

That was all, until her late shift.                   It was chilly and foggy. She likes the smell and she smiled, mumbling how nice it was outside.                                                       You heard her                                                   You said the weather was shitty. She jumped, not thinking that you were listening. As usual, she smirked and you smiled… That smile, she could recognize it even miles away, she saw it on many faces and she knew what was coming.                   You somehow found a way to start a conversation and even thought she had to go back to work, she spent the last ten minutes of her shift with you. She didn’t stay for the talk, she stayed because something caught her attention and she kept looking so she could remember…            It is rare, but once she notices it,she makes sure to admire it.

What was it?                                                     Your eyes, they were shining.                            She saw depth, abandon, pain but they were shining. That glow is often present in kids eyes, or when one is very excited. But how could they shine within so much suffering?

You made her jump again, telling her that it was time for you to leave, her shift was also over and you took advantage of the situation and asked her for her cellphone number.                                                             She gave it to you…

Everything was fine so far, from small conversations at work to  text messages at night. You would text her on your lunch and she’d do the same.                     Although she questioned it even after you told her yourself, she finally accepted the fact that you like her. She just couldn’t let herself admit it. When was the last time she was attracted to someone?

It feels good, to like a person and to know that person likes you. Doesn’t it?

Your conversations became longer, regular messages became flirty texts and daily compliments. You made her feel appreciated, valued, wanted. Both of you were blossoming.

Until that day. She wasn’t feeling like herself. You came, sat in a corner and tried to talk to her. She couldn’t find the words to explain her situation but managed to tell you that she couldn’t talk. You tried to make her talk and she started feeling anxious it was hard.

You told her to try.

She ignored you.

You were clearly annoyed and left. She felt stupid… “In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take”.                             A few minutes later, she was leaving and she wanted to apologize but she noticed how quickly you replaced her… Nonetheless, she sent you a text message, explaining her behavior but you ignored her and were so quick to judge her, telling her how childish she is and so many mean words, and you finally told her that you wanted to put an end to  “this”. She felt bad for herself but decided to move on…

About two weeks later, she noticed your dark circles and couldn’t help it. She couldn’t fight the urge to text you, to find out what was wrong. Surprisingly, you answered, the answer was short,dry, but you still answered.                                           And that was it for that day.

After a while, you ignored each other and she didn’t care, although she could feel your gaze…

On a casual afternoon, she was working just a few steps from you. You were looking at her, she knew it but she kept doing her job. You offered your help,she ignored you but you came anyway. You were talking about how some girls are trying to get you in trouble… why were you telling her this? She didn’t care and you knew it, that’s why you changed the conversation. It was a short, boring conversation, but she guesses it’s your way of apologizing. Oh well…

You guys started talking again, and this time it was more fun, it was real and deep. It was great. Better than before and she was satisfied. She didn’t regret forgiving you.

Things were very very very good. Until ‘she’ showed up and decided to mess everything up, slowly but surely. ‘ she’ was jealous, evil, and she would do anything to destroy whatever you had going on…                                                           Soon enough, she found out about ‘her’ little game, and for some reason, her insecurities were trying to come back. Why? She is responsible for her own happiness.

She ignored ‘her’, her annoyance, her behavior. She also realized that you were giving up, that you were playing hide and seek with her. One day you were all about her, and the next, she was childish, etc.        She spent minutes,hours, trying to understand what was happening. She saw you talking, laughing with someone you said you didn’t like, someone you “keep trying to push away”…But people are weird, maybe you got to know her and realized she isn’t that bad… Who knows?

You were getting closer to ‘her’ and were ignoring her. But hey, that’s what many people do. There were no flirty texts, at least not as much as before, even if from time to time, you would tell her how much you want her ignoring the people walking by who could clearly hear you

You would say how attracted you were to her, you would make her shiver by talking about the Universe and how interested you are in the Mysterious part of our realm, something was off, she could feel it. You were slowly putting a distance between you two. So she asked you in her own way and when she thought about your answers, your body language etc. She found out why. You wanted to protect her. You were hurt and she realized that scar you told her about wasn’t any scar, it was a wound, a deep wound that no one but yourself could heal. She could help you but only you had the power to bring peace in your soul. You  once accepted her help, but you were also pushing her away.

And you left.

She felt guilty, she thought she was too childish, not woman enough… But she also realized that you never made her happy, she was often satisfied but not happy. Even though Happiness comes from within, one shouldn’t settle for less and remain “satisfied” with someone else’s bare minimum. It just doesn’t work like that.

There was a shift in her consciousness.

You came, you enjoyed and you left. She opened her heart, enjoyed but couldn’t let go…                                                                      Until she decided to let her Light, her Fire guide her.                                                     And she changed the formula.                You came, you took,you enjoyed, but you left empty.                                                              She opened her heart, gave, and learned.

She became aware of the meaning of your short presence in her life.

You were just a friendly reminder, a sign from the Universe, an experience, a lesson in her journey.                                         You came to remind her that it’s okay to open herself to Love, to Life, that there should be no fear in expressing her feelings, her emotions. You came to tell her that she deserves to be Loved, Valued, Wanted, that she shouldn’t feel guilty for being who she is. You reminded her of that beautiful, fearless little girl whose fire is still dancing in her eyes, her heart and her soul. You reminded her that she is  more than enough, that her Light can change lives.

You were nothing but a yellow post-it, placed on her heart to remind her that putting herself first isn’t selfish at all. You, little yellow piece of paper would jog in her mind making sure she receives while giving, you crossed her path to make her remember that  she should Love herself and never settle for less to make anyone comfortable.

A.

 

I would like to thank the Universe and the post-it for teaching me this lesson. And my Ancestors, for giving me the strength to share this!                                             Ashe!

( Today and Tomorrow, we celebrate the Dead in Haitian Culture, my Ancestors are always here but today they kicked me in my little booty so I could write. Seriously, what would I do without them?)

 

P.S : My dear readers, I apologize for not keeping up. I am a lazy girl, procrastination is one of my best pals and I couldn’t find the inspiration and the guts  to write this. I didn’t want it to look too long and boring but I had to let it go.              I know somewhere, someone is drowning in guilt over a post-it lol. My dearest, it’s just a little piece of paper. Don’t overthink anything you can’t control. Just make sure you understand and learn the lesson!

 

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